I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
When did angry sex become our thing?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
