Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize