I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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