I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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