apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
