Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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