On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
