I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
