Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
