You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
