My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
