Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
