Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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