I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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