That's when you crack a 10am beer
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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