somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
