let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
