I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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