I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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