This is not my ceiling
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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