Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
