Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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