Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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