I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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