Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
