Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
