There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
