I wish I only lived at night.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
