My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
