Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
