I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
There are leaves in my underwear?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
