they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
