it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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