Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
