i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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