the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
