My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
