the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
