this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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