I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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