Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
