I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
