Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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