why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
