I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
