Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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