I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
