the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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