Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
