Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
