that's what penises do
they tell lies.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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