We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
