Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
