I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
