Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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