it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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