i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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