if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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