fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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