she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
