Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
