I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
