found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize