you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
