when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
