She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
